Judy McNuttJudy McNutt
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The Cancer Scare “Dear, You Have Two Densities”

DEAR, YOU HAVE TWO DENSITIES.

Entry in my journal. October 26, 2009– Breast Clinic Office.

Moving a pile of “scrumpled” newspaper sections I take a seat. I pull out my pen and journal before I scrutinize the room. One bored-looking gentleman dressed in khaki pants, chambric shirt and Sperry Topsiders. An older woman two seats over minding a toddler. A restless, wiry Hispanic man of indeterminable age who is cleaning his fingernails with a small slim penknife. A few seats away from me a middle-aged woman stuck to the edge of the waiting room chair like dried food on a greasy plate. Fatigued skin on her face, neck and arms hangs in folds beneath her threadbare cornflower blue dress. Stories roll through my head for all of them. But the woman in faded blue captures my attention simply because I can feel she has something to say. No one else takes notice as The Blue Person speaks into the air in front of her face, “Dear, you have two densities.”

I heard that! So, they found densities in her breast, too. At least I am only writing to myself and not talking to myself. I involuntarily judge her as I pretend to scratch something significant into my journal.

She speaks again, “Who are they? Who are they? Who are they?” She chants a sassy mantra,“Two small dark areas in my life. They have names, they have names but I don’t speak the names because they would be so happy to know they are making me ill.” I sneak a look out of the corner of my eye.

Synchronicity, I journal– This Blue Person is speaking my thoughts, my details, my life. Actually, I do get it. I knew who my densities were the moment I saw them in my mammogram consultation last week. I nodded as the doctor said, “As you can see you have two densities in your left breast.”

And I am not completely surprised this inner-outer synchronicity thing is happening either. In past weeks, I have begun to notice aspects of my inner feelings showing up symbolically in the physical world around me. “Ok, you’ve got my attention,” I accidentally say out loud. The Blue Person sharply pivots her body away from me. The others in the room stare. What? They only hear me?
Blue Person appears agitated; “They are speaking to me, these Densities.” She grabs her right breast with her left hand. In a sarcastic, childlike voice now; “I am Small Density, waiting for you to die so I can be free.” Blue Person seems to have gone into some sort of time travel-mode, I think. “I remember, I remember, I remember the day a man came up and held a gun to my head. I never did what I wanted, and still I never do and so now that I have densities in one breast, they might as well remove the other one, too.”

I scratch my pen across the smooth surface of my journal, and do what I am called to do. I write healing affirmations for the human being two seats over, wearing Cornflower Blue. “I am ‘The Small Density’ and I ask you to forgive me as I forgive you. I am the man who held a gun to your head reminding you to do what you want to do.”

I realize these affirmations are for me, too! When I finish writing, I begin in a whisper, “I forgive and release other people’s energies. I forgive and release other people’s energies.” Repeating in a murmur until I notice I am talking out loud and now Miss Blue is in chorus with me and we are chanting for all women. “I forgive and release, I forgive and release other people’s energies,” we chant together until the nurse comes out to call Miss Blue. Her name is actually, Miss Engle, which means Messenger of God. Miss Engle disappears into the imaging room to don the latest fashion in the Abnormal Result Club, a paper dress.
I’m next.

-j-

CODA– Back for a follow-up I asked how Miss Engle was doing. I know they are not supposed to give out patient information but the medical clerk said, “I’m glad you asked. Miss Engle never came back, do you know how to get in touch with her?”

I don’t.


PS: Wearing pink is a great way to raise awareness of breast cancer and show your support of a loved one with the disease. However, simply wearing a pink sweatshirt won’t help eradicate breast cancer as much as actually donating money for research. How you can support Breast Cancer Awareness, Treatment, Cures

 

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